I came across a brilliant article this week. It popped up randomly in my Twitter feed, and the tweet was enticing enough for me to link through. How to give comfort?, it asked. Yes, pray tell, because many individuals don’t know how to give comfort to women experiencing infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. I think this piece is especially timely given the proximity to National Infertility Awareness Week. Many of us have linked to the popular article on infertility etiquette from Resolve. I think this article, both succinct and clear, offers an additional resource to pass along to others.
Here’s the premise, the person or persons in crisis are at the center of the circle, in the inner-most ring. In my case, this was just me, Big Guy was in the next ring. You decide who gets placed into what ring, but you are always in the center. Individuals in each ring are placed there based on their proximity to the trauma. You decide the information they receive. You have the choice to provide information as you see fit because the crisis is yours. You get to share what you want, and you get to express your pain, frustration and grief in any way that you choose to anyone in any ring. In short, you get to “dump out” to anyone in any ring. The same came be said for those in the next ring, and so one. You get to dump out to anyone in a ring that is further away from the center as yours. Period.
With that said, those that are in a more distant ring can only send comfort inward. They don’t get to tell the person in the center how they would handle the crisis. There are no “just relax” or “just adopt” comments, no “buck up, champ” punches to the shoulder, no critiques, no harassment or judgments. Only comfort. This principle is brilliant in its simplicity.
As I mentioned earlier, Big Guy was in the second ring, and I was in the center. Without fail, I dumped out to him, and he only offered comfort in. I’m really fortunate to have such a kind, compassionate and understanding partner. The same can be said for our friends and family. We are blessed, indeed. Comfort in, dump out!
Return to Go 